omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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