You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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