I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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