so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
