I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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