yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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