My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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