god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
