considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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