Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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