Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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