i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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