Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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