Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
