I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
