it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
