i love accidental penises.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
