It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
