I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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