I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
