I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
