You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
