k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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