i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
