There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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