It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
