I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
