she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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