Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
