don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
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But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
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We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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