The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
