She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
