No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
