Your mouth is God's brothel.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
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I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
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I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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