i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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