He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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