You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
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You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
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Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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