If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So vagazzling was a success
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
