Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
