So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
