when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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