I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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