If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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