I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
