Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
