The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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