hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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