I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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