I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This house was built for laser tag.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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