you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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