We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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