i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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