God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
