you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
