so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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