it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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