Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i've created a new STD.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
