i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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