I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
